The internet sucks me in.

I can't help it. 

Lots of things suck me in. 

Did I ever mention that I'm nostalgic to a fault?

I re-live fun times and I keep things I should not keep, just because someone I love made them or gave them to me. 

I have outfits that each kid wore (ok - SEVERAL)

I flip through their baby books and get sucked in. 

I'm most nostalgic about my family I had growing up - especially my parents. Since Dad died, I'm more clingy to things HE made. Thankfully, he made a LOT. When I wish he was here again, I can just walk into my kitchen. I look down - there he is- the floor we installed together. (I measured, he cut) I can look at the huge desk/buffet he made me JUST for that new kitchen. Look a little to my left and there is the corner unit he built and a little further to the left is the first thing I remember asking for: a pantry. 

My living room has the hope chest and the video/DVD case he made. I am surrounded by him.

I only wish I didn't have to leave the kitchen floor when we leave this house. 

He also painted that kitchen with me. He HATED to paint, but to convince me it needed to be painted, he said he would do it with me. It wasn't until it was all done that he let it slip that he hates to paint. What a man he was.

I wonder what I will do for/leave for my children?

Maybe the videos I made. I've done that for years and I thoroughly enjoy creating them. 

Yikes. Beyond that I'm kinda at a loss. 

I better build a legacy here. Gettin' late.

Friend analysis..

I'm back. I'm no Arnold, but you can probably hear it in that voice if you try. In our house, someone will always repeat it in Arnold's voice if they hear you say that. We are a huge movie quote family.

Speaking of my family.. it is shrinking and I'm not happy about it. Marianne moved to colorado permanently 18 months ago and Matthew is in college in Nashville since August. Andrew is the only bird left in our nest and compared to the other two, rather talkative birds, Andrew is the strong silent type. He doesn't have the need to share like the others did so it is even more different than when Marianne left. Asking him more than 1 or 2 questions in a row usually infuriates him, so I don't get much info unless he is in the mood to share.

I seem to be relying on friends more to fill in for this lack of activity at home. I grew up with 3 brothers and sisters who were always talking and my dad, who was also very talkative. I'm not used to the silence. I also get sucked into the internet but that isnt' as effective.

So many of my friends help me in so many ways. Some inspire me, motivate me, entertain me, make me look at myself and be there for me. My husband, of course, is there for me in many ways too. I'm not one of those who looks to my hubby to be everything for me. That is way too much pressure for him or for me to be that for him.

Everyone - including my children- seems to be teaching me something. My children always taught me to be patient. I wanted them to hurry and learn or do something when I was a young mom. Now, I do not have that need. I need to sit back and let them do their thing, make their mistakes and guide them as much as they let me.

INSPIRATION:I have a friend who is following her passion is inspiring me to reach for more (Thanks Karen - deafmomworld.com )

GIRLTALK: I have friends who listen and talk and help me know me (okay I have several like that)

FUNTIME: Others like to play and we just hang and talk and have fun. As pointless as that may seem, those times are very important to me and I make time to have fun. I'm not one to just work and not play. Not that we don't talk - I'm sure they would agree everyone talks quite a bit after a cocktail.

I don't know if you have all these categories. Maybe you have 2 friends who are doing it all for you. It just happens that my friendships seem to do certain things. It seems we have a few common activities and they fit our style of relating.

Basicly, I'm feeling quite grateful for those who have chosen to stay in my life. I haven't managed to keep all the friendship that I wanted to, but maybe that was meant to be.

I'm learning to be cool with that.

This is a quote from one of my "FUNTIME" friends:

He's an ex-Marine and one of his biggest values is honor...

I know, I'm weird

Somehow I thought it was a good idea to teach 7 classes this semester. I think it will be a bit challenging, but I like having my night class on mondays. It makes my weekend feel longer. I know I'm very lucky to be doing what I like and have fridays off. I will not complain, but I am often surprised when I walk into a classroom and see the faces. I just can't always remember who is in what class on what day! I am learning their names better than I used to be able to . I have no idea why.

I know I really got going on this blog when my dad was getting sicker and started to die. I am VERY VERY surprised at how I feel nowadays. Its been about 14 months and I think I feel fine. That doesn't bother me, but I did expect to feel sadder when I thought about him still. I rarely cry anymore regarding it. He was so important to me and to defining who I was and we were so alike that I think I thought the impact of his death would last longer. Maybe I grew accustomed to it. I don't know. The last time I cried was a couple days ago (first time in 5 or 6 weeks)because I wished I could show him this new song. No one else understands the same way. Matthew likes the same kind of music, but he doesn't go nuts about it. My dad didn't even go nuts about them the last 10 years and I hated that. Ah well.

The new song is by Muse, my new favorite band. I have never heard a band mimic their albums on stage like this one. They are so incredibly talented.
Here is one of my favorite songs, Supermassive Black hole. If you recognize it, it is from the baseball scene in Twilight.

Another BIG favorite is Uprising. The best part starts at 2:38 with my favorite chord at 3 minutes. I went so far as to cut this clip out and repeat it over and over for my ring tone and my alarm clock CD. I know, I'm weird.

starts out slowly and then peters out - thank you mr. negis

School will be starting soon and I almost feel ready. I dont have all my classes ready but I'm ready mentally. I am feeling good about life and where it's going and it is nice.

I just started a store on Etsy and it is so fun. I'm not selling a lot but I like taking the pictures and posting the little info snippets about the items. I put a quote that has the title of the piece in most of my listings and I like doing that. I saw another Etsy seller doing that. All the artists are so nice.

It has been a quiet house this year. The boys aren't really talkers and marianne has been gone most of the time. I love having her here, but we do get along a little better over the phone and seeing each other in person a little less. I used to get really mad at how she took my makeup and things but it is sad that my makeup never moves and I am never missing my mascara anymore.

I can't wait to see her on tuesday. :) :)
shoot. thought lost. train gone.
have a great day.

Peaceful

I think I might be getting my groove back. I mean that - for about 10 months now I was too stress/depressed/uninspired to create. I didn't fuse, I didn't bead and I didn't paint.

I know starting the new full time job last fall had something to do with it. I KNOW my dad getting so ill was related and after he died, I was not feeling like creating.

This family vacation that I'm on is one with lots of horseback riding and I knew I didn't want to ride this year. I love to pet the horses and even riding in the arena, but I don't like the up and down on rocky paths and loping when I fear I will fall off (my horse last time would buck WHILE cantering). So, I brought books and my beads and EVEN stopped at a bead shop on the way up here. I am starting to get excited about creating again and I love that.

I think having classes to teach in the summer helps as well. I am free-lancing only and that isn't very stressful because there is no homework.

I'm in such a good place in so many areas of my life. Not ALL is perfect of course, but i just feel lucky and happy and I hope that is indicative of happy days to come.

Peaceful Valley is indeed just that.

Through the clouds..

I just finished my first year full time at the college. The fall was rough. I taught overload(with 1 new class), had to get used to all the full time aspects and Dad was dying. All of those things will not happen again. Spring was MUCH better. I taught a regular load and it wasn't a stressful time, at least not like before.

My mom and I have become closer. Around the end of February, my grieving intensified and it is better than that now. Marianne is back home from college for 3 weeks and then off to Colorado to work at the dude ranch Kirk's parents work at. Matthew has done a few gigs as a musician (a couple solo and one with his band, Myphoria). Andrew is learning 2 very hard songs this summer, flight of the bumblebee and Minute waltz. Kirk is still slowly working on his book and he asked me to illustrate it. I hope I can do it.

I've had two nights in a row with dreams about my dad. Normally I think dreams are just a bunch of crap, but these were interesting. Two nights ago was hard. Dad was in jail for using some illegal chemo or something and he had to die in jail. He got out for a family reunion and we were just starting to play a game, He was sitting there running his toes through the sand, barely listening to the directions and I remember thinking "Can't they just let him out? I'm sure he doesn't care at all about this game. He shouldn't have to die in there". Then the teams separated to explore their area. It was sort of a hide and seek/squirt gun tag type of game. I put down my gun in my area and went to look around at all the rooms that were "ours". Then someone started the game and I made my way back to my squirt gun and Dad was in the room so I slowly closed the door and grabbed my gun, I turned to him and realized he hadn't heard any of that and I squirted him. Being competitive, he made a HUGE sigh and probably an explitive. I had ended the game for him. He was out.
Last night.. actually I just woke up 15 min ago.. I dreamt I had two more children and I was a great mom. I always played with them and it was great. I was taking a walk with Karen and Mom and my kids. I looked in the distance and as tall as a mountain, I could see the tops of white gates. I knew what it was and I yelled to them and we all started running to it. We arrived and put in our names and then waited in a quick line again and walked right in. All of us. Inside it looked like an amusement park. I searched the huge area quickly trying to see Dad. I said to mom "Isn't he supposed to meet us?" (I have no idea why there wasn't God or Jesus in this part). We went up a little slope on and I saw him standing there. He was just patiently waiting for us in his shorts. We all ran up and hugged him and cried.
Now THAT is a dream. It was just great.

Cassie

A Belated "hello"

I have not been "asleep at the wheel" so-to-speak. This blog really became a place to pour out my heart and I needed that and now I don't need that, but I also didn't know what to say. I'm in a better place having more distance from my dad's death, but also I miss him MORE than I did in January. I am no longer depressed. I live my life with happy thoughts and goals and hope. It's just that when I look at a picture of my dad, my heart hurts. i have dreams that he is alive again, fulfilling what I need. Sometimes he is hugging me and other times I am doing things for him and he thanks me for each thing I do. I love that I remember his voice so accurately and my dreams get it right.

I am into my second semester as a full time instructor at Waubonsee. It is MUCH less stressful than last semester and I really enjoy it. I can keep up on all the work and I'm not overloaded.

All the Coburn family is coming in this weekend to be together. I just love those times.

Welcome to Martha - a friend of mine - who just started a new blog. Hers is about life and her new online business on Etsy. check it out at http://www.opendoorstudio.blogspot.com/
She has great vintage stuff on her site and is starting to really get some recognition!
That's about all,
Cassie