A Belated "hello"

I have not been "asleep at the wheel" so-to-speak. This blog really became a place to pour out my heart and I needed that and now I don't need that, but I also didn't know what to say. I'm in a better place having more distance from my dad's death, but also I miss him MORE than I did in January. I am no longer depressed. I live my life with happy thoughts and goals and hope. It's just that when I look at a picture of my dad, my heart hurts. i have dreams that he is alive again, fulfilling what I need. Sometimes he is hugging me and other times I am doing things for him and he thanks me for each thing I do. I love that I remember his voice so accurately and my dreams get it right.

I am into my second semester as a full time instructor at Waubonsee. It is MUCH less stressful than last semester and I really enjoy it. I can keep up on all the work and I'm not overloaded.

All the Coburn family is coming in this weekend to be together. I just love those times.

Welcome to Martha - a friend of mine - who just started a new blog. Hers is about life and her new online business on Etsy. check it out at http://www.opendoorstudio.blogspot.com/
She has great vintage stuff on her site and is starting to really get some recognition!
That's about all,
Cassie

good day - and not done yet!

I have this thing about my throat. Maybe it is my long time choking-phobia or just something everyone has, but I like to be able to breath easy. So, this swollen pharynx or larynx or whatever it is that gets inflamed and irritated when I cough my head off is driving me nuts. I don't MIND sleeping on the couch (so I can sleep more upright and not wake Kirk when I cough) but I instinctively cover my mouth with my hands and whatever covers they are wrapped in and I wake myself up all the time.

I'm such a baby. I love to complain and I'm not liking being sick.

On to things I do like: my job.
Just started back at my full time teaching job yesterday and it is great. I love teaching. Love my students. Love my co-workers and my office and just ALL of it. I finally don't have that "What do I want to be when I grow up" lurking in the back of my mind. It is a great feeling. This semester is only 2 days in but already it is so much better than last semester. I was so overwhelmed with the full time thing and all the paperwork and committees plus one extra class that I felt like I was catching up all semester. On top of that was the huge fear and sadness of my dad dying. What a different semester this will be. I feel the loss of course (if you read by blog you know exactly how), but I also feel the relief - and no guilt that I feel that - and peace.

Today I optimisticly bought spackle and a wallpaper scraper and primer and paint samples (the kind you paint on). This is to do the boys room. Theirs was painted a long long while ago but it really took a beating and we need to take down the nascar border. I'm going with some neutral color that they can pick. I think I might do our room too, which has NEVER been painted since we got here. I love these projects. I love doing stuff in the house.

okay. that is all the stuff for today. It was a good day.

the more

Another one by downhere called "the more"
Some lyrics from it..

..Wanna give You every moment, every minute
I'll take a lifetime to know You
Hold me Lord, keep me
Draw me closer every moment of my life

And the more You show me, the more You grow me
The more Your glory becomes all there is
And the more I know You, the more I need You
The more I love You, the more You become to me..

biggest fan.

One evening in december my brother kevin was playing his signature piece, Freight train. Later that day Karen, my mom and I were all grieving at the impending death of my dad and Karen said "Kevin is losing his biggest fan" (my dad just LOVED freight train and always requested it.)We knew it. No one could compliment like my father, make you feel important, like you mattered. He was a great encourager.

If you knew my dad, you probably also lost one of your cheerleaders in life.
I sure did.
I was sitting here looking at a picture I took of a yellow rose that I blew up and remember my dad seeing it the first time (and criticizing the matte color I chose :) ) and how much he loved it. So many things that I did were to hear his comment on it. That is sad, but it is also SAAAD. He isn't here to tell me how cool it is. He so loved photography.
:***(

He would also have loved this song.. which I love. NO Warning needed on this one. It is a happy song really. Cool chords and such..It is "My last Amen" by Downhere




miss him..

Bonaire to Blizzard

Time in Bonaire is almost done. It went very well. 3-person hand and foot is great fun!! The kids seemed to do well at home and I'll be grateful to see them soon. Marianne is back at school so I can't see her as easily but will see her soon I hope. I guess Illinois is expecting a blizzard or two in the next couple days so we will hopefully get home okay and on time.

My cousin Maggie and her husband, Rob's newborn has contracted bacterial meningitis. She is out of NICU and doing better, but will be in the hospital for a couple weeks. All prayers appreciated.

This was a great break from everything and i think it was good for my mom too. Only a few tears now and then from us and overall a good trip. My mom has some things I'm sure she dreads like having to take care of some things herself. Hopefully she will find things she is able to do now or try that she could not or did not because she was married or because my dad didn't want to. Maybe she can finally take up sky-diving... or.. something :) ha ha

I saw a creature I have never seen today. It was a squid at about 25 feet. I took a few pictures. As Kirk also noted, we also saw another thing we have never seen: someone diving with no suit (not 'no wetsuit') nothing at all!! This man was quite brave as I will not dive without my wetsuit because i have scraped myself on coral before and it takes weeks to heal. I'll be happy to never see another "junkfish" again.

Kirk and I navigated our own dive today as mom has a cold and did not want to dive. We did pretty well and came out at just the right spot. I did not fall but kirk tumbled and was washed with the waves. Fortunately, he is a smart diver and kept his regulator in his mouth and didn't need much help getting up either. When you fall on your back it is called "turtled" because you have trouble getting up, but since there were a few strong waves, they pushed him over and righted him so he got right up ;)

I guess it is back to the cold and the job and all that. What a great break this was, though.
Cassie

Bonaire...

What a perfect Bonaire day. We started out doing a shore dive at a place called Tori’s reef because they have seen many eagle rays there recently. We saw none and we really booked to try to cover as much ground as possible of the shallows to see them. The rest of the dive was nice. Then we rested between dives and since I was tired, we went to an “easy entry” dive called yellow submarine. It was very easy and we saw some nice things and toward the end of the dive, Mom spotted a young Eagle Ray!!! I got 4 good pictures of it and it was in no hurry swimming past us. What great luck!

We had heard earlier that day that dolphins and even a WHALE were spotted at the south end of the island (Tori’s is south too) but we were thrilled with the eagle ray.

We had planned to go to Jibe City (a pretty beach with a little café) because I always loved that. I got to thinking of my dad and how he loved their crab sandwich and how he would always complain that the chips blow away. That was the first time I really really missed him on this trip. Never thought I would miss his complaining, but I was, am now.

Otherwise, I’m getting some nice time with Kirk, nice time with my mom, a little sun and nice time with the fishies  Oh, and for those who said “have a drink for me” , I did yesterday.., a pina colada. Mm.

Two nights ago, we went to Cactus Blue, a great restaurant on the island run by friends and Moogie was playing. He played “What a wonderful world” and he inserted “joe” a few times like “Joe, what a wonderful world”. Moogie knew my dad and knows the family so he did that for my mom. It was so nice (but almost made us cry).

Tonight is the Rum Punch party. That will also have Moogie and he will play my dad’s favorite song, “ring ting ting” which I think he now calls joe’s theme or something. We will dance to it as it was the one song my dad made sure to get up and dance to even 3 months ago when he was so weak and only danced for a minute. If Dad had a preference, he wanted his ashes scattered here so we scattered some at our first dive site. Some we will scatter on a boat tomorrow in front of Buddy (where their condo is) and some we will take home to spread with other family in his pond. Closure: my dad and I both loved closure. Who doesn’t?

On a sour note, we got our video camera stolen in San Juan. We take a small puddle jumper and you have to stow most of your carry on luggage and they took it out of there. Rats. I do have video on my camera so it isn’t like we don’t have video, but what a shame.

Can’t complain anymore. I’m warm and lucky to have this vacation.

Here is the eagle ray- it has about a 3.5 foot "wing-span"

Summing it up...

I posted on my Dad's blog for the first time so I skipped writing here. I posted on my sister getting married and what a happy day that was. His blog is linked to here on the right if you want to read it. Great pictures are posted there too.

This was one of the strangest time in my life and having a baby was almost more jarring, but it was also a happy time. Christmas was a blur. I did finally get into the spirit, but I became Scarlett O'Hara ("I wont' think about that right now. I'll think about that tomorrow") in dealing with it I think. I guess we each have our way. A friend of Karen's told me the hardest part is getting "ambushed" with a memory. He will be walking in the mall and smell his late-wife's purfume or something. yeah. Had that happen several times already.

I am leaving for Bonaire on Tuesday with Kirk and my mom. That will have some hard moments, but hopefully a nice trip as well. We will all scuba and relax.

The wedding day was so happy it was tear-free (just like Johnsons!!). Mark and Karen are so lucky to have each other and it was so cool to watch them gush during their vows. What a special day.

On a lighter note - we went as a family to see Bedtime Stories and we really liked it. I laughed so many times during one part that in our family we call it Tweedle dee laughing because of a time my mom got to laughing at Sea world watching people dressed up in those costumes try to sorta play soccer and they kept falling over and my mom just lost it and tried to hold it in. Same thing. I think it was a very funny movie. Nothing offensive even!(go see it, Mom!)

I'll write in Bonaire or shortly after.

show & tell

*sigh* This weekend was just what I needed. After the burden-feeling left when my dad was no longer fighting an illness, I was left with that loss feeling I talked about. I had so much grief and crying in front of my computer or to my family was necessary but I felt so lost.

After the services, I felt "more right with the world". Those necessary hours of visitation were exhausting, but it was so touching to see a line of people coming towards the casket to hug my mother and us (as we took turns standing by her).

Saturday was more dramatic for me. At the visitation, I could be support, but at the funeral, I needed it and so did all of us. I've always felt for those people in the front row, unable to imagine the pain. But as we all held hands and listened to songs he loved so much, people he loved so much and heard our sobs, I think I felt satisfied.

I know my dad is in heaven and we don't need to do things for his approval as we did when he was here, but I couldn't help but think that we did him proud (not that I did anything). I knew he would have been so touched by it and that was enough for me.

I feel there are a million things I want to ask him (did you see that video of the hoppers dad? for example), but there isn't one thing I still need to tell him. I told him. More than anything, I showed him. here is the video of hardware store I made.

Goodbye..

The last 24 hours have made quite an impact. My father is at peace now. He died tuesday at 10:38pm. He was 68 years old. My mom and I were with him and it was sad and surprising, touching and awful.

he was in a coma when I arrived yesterday I think (he didn't move, didn't open his eyes(they were just half open as he slept), didn't respond to talking or touching). But still he was breathing, with some difficulty.

I said goodnight to him, kissing him on the forehead. my mom went to give him his medicine and she looked at his nailbeds again (they were a bit blue before) and she called me over because they were worse. We sat near him and I held his arm, leaning my head on his shoulder, saying something every so often in case he heard me.

Then my mom starting talking to him louder and with greater urgency "It's okay joe. We're here. You can go" and I looked up. His eyes were fully open, and he looked at us with intensity - no fear, no question, just looking - and his color was quite different and something in me knew he was leaving us, so I told him I loved him, told him goodbye, told him we'd be okay, he could go, etc. All the while (all 30? seconds) stroking his arm and kissing his forehead. He took two more breaths about 10 seconds apart, and then he stopped. I didn't know if he was gone or not, my mom put her head to his chest and listened.. his heart was still going. We said a few more words and then he took a small breath and then slowly closed his eyes. I told my mom and she listened again. Then she got her stethoscope (she is a nurse)and listened. He was gone. We said a prayer, thanking Jesus for taking him and that it was over.

Since it was bad weather, it took a long time for the nurse to come, then a long time for the funeral home to come and I spent much of that time hugging my mom, or lingering near my dad's body. I knew he wasn't there, but I didn't want to leave it. So so so strange.

I know we all know this day will come for those we love and there is no way to prepare for it, but there is no way to explain it either. I feel relief (and thankfully no guilt for feeling that), frustration and despair (because I have so many things I forgot to ask him.. how to use this, how did he feel about that, I can't tell him this or that anymore), loss - my dad is gone - I can't hug him, hold him, tell him i love him, try to win his approval anymore, work to give him that special christmas gift that will touch him so much he will cry and gush at how much he loves it. loss..
It feels like he left a hole, but really, that is impossible. He left me with knowledge, talents he passed to me, memories, and love. His opinion of me greatly affected me. His faith in me helped me to try new things. His life taught me some about how to live and as we live, we teach those around us. He was a wonderful teacher and I'll miss learning from him.
Goodbye, Dad.

updates

Things are about the same with my dad. Small things keep getting worse and worse, but that doesn't make it worse for me, even though I know it isn't as bad as it is going to be. ...Maybe it is time for a new topic.
My daughter is home from college. After reading my brothers "good news - bad news" christmas letter, I want to frame it that way.
Good news - I missed her more than I knew. We get to see each other and talk and she understands me.

Bad news - we see each other more, so we talk more, so we yell more.

Andrew learned how to make 3D paper snowflakes and how to cut really cool ones on a website he found: http://snowflakes.barkleyus.com/index.html?taf=receiver
We finally got our tree up, found most of our ornaments and are attempting to get them all up.

I am busily preparing for my sisters wedding. (dec 27th) I've completed most of my jobs to my satisfaction (that takes kinda long). I did the place cards and because of a few errors, I am one short. ONE!! I think instead of buying a pack of them, I'm going to find the white-out. Karen, if you read this, I hope this is okay :)

I'm making headway on the grading. This is a very familiar hurdle I leap every year before christmas. *sigh*

I am grateful that my husband takes care of me. Most recently by putting a heater in my car (with extension cord) so that we could try to melt the ice yesterday. He scraped it with me too :) sweetie.

there.. that was better. Maybe today will be a better day than yesterday.

in like 800 years...

I had a hard evening with my dad. He is mostly confused and i can't understand what he is saying usually. I try to guess and answer, or comfort him. He often seems to look right through me.

Many of us have told him that he can go. I hadn't yet and so my mom told me to tell him he could let go. I tried several times but couldn't. then later, he wanted to get out of the bed. he insisted. My mom told him he couldn't, he was too weak. He said "why???" (over and over) and my mom finally said "you're dying, joe" and my dad looked right at her, shocked... then started crying. She hugged him and either he put his arms around her or she did. Then she waved me over and we both hugged him. then she said "Cassie needs a hug" so I hugged him and told him that we would be okay. That we will take care of mom, that we know he loves us and we all love him. Jesus is waiting for him. He can let go. he can go. he started talking to me in very loving soothing tones, but I couldn't understand any of it. Then, I looked up at him after a minute and he said "It'll be okay". I said "I know it will". He put his lips together and waited for a kiss, I kissed him & then hugged him again & kissed his cheek and told him "It's okay." Well, at least it WILL be.. someday. if you know me, you know my next line probably wants to be "yeah.. in like 800 years!" and it feel like that long til I'll be okay.

well..?

yeah.. I pretty much go to my parents house to be with my mom now. I know my dad knows me when I come in, but he barely wakes up or smiles. When people from hospice come in, he perks up more (the "stranger" factor that is just his personality). it is hard to see but it reminds me of my dad. The man in the bed really doesn't otherwise. If he gets angry, it reminds me of him. If I just look at him, I feel like i have fast-forwarded 10 or 20 years and I see my dad at that age. With so little fat on him, his face is so skinny and old looking. When he talks, I can't make sense of the words it and it is not very clear sounding anyway. Sometimes he knows and gets frustrated when I don't understand, but many times I just try to answer what he thinks I'm saying and he doesn't react. I'm thankful he is still in no pain (except some muscle pain which the pain med takes care of) and he doesn't seem sad or mad or anything. He is just going through the motions in a way.
For my mom's sake and his, I pray he goes soon. I know if he were aware he would say "How can we move this along!???" He would be impatient with this. Luckily, he is so tired and so confused that he doesn't know what mom is going through and how it is hard on us. He was afraid of how it would be for us. I just want him to be whole and be able to watch the wedding from heaven and be at Peace. soon. soon. soon??

Breather...

I've discovered it is amazing what people will adjust to. The pain feels less. I am guessing we have gotten "used to" seeing him confused, weak and quiet and it is less traumatic for me to see him like this. The hospice nurse says he is very strong. We knew that.

He was directing us in some tags on friday night and it was quite different than how he sang with us in the past. Since he can't sing now (he can't take a big breath), he was merciless in his demands for how to sing the tags. He stopped us because we were too fast, too loud, etc. He directed us while laying in bed and when he got too demanding, Mike said "Want some water dad?". Mom and the rest of us ask him that all day long and he often doesn't want it. I think I might have relayed his answer to me once was "Are you trying to drown me?" The completely lucid moments seem farther apart, but the toxins do that. It is hard to see, but he does make us laugh anyway. when we dressed him friday morning, he wanted to see the dress shirt we were putting on him (for giving Karen away officially to Mark with a Pastor). Mom and I showed him and he wanted to see the logo. We told him there wasn't a logo and told him what brand the shirt was. He sighed and said "that's not my shirt" and he didn't want to wear it. We insisted it was his shirt and that we just got it from the closet. He insisted that it didn't matter where we got it, it wasn't his. After putting it on, I said to him, "Dad, I think you've just forgotten it" and he looked right at me indignantly and said "I think you're confused!". Either way, he looked so handsome. He does not seem like my dad anymore really, but when I look at him, I can still see him. I can still imagine him opening his mouth and speaking with strength and command.
I feel like this surreal process is kind of letting us down easy. We haven't fallen off the cliff of grief, but I feel we have taken a few flights down and are resting on a landing. No idea what will come next, but I'm happy for the breather, however short.
I'd love thoughts or prayers for my mom - for her peace and for my dad - for comfort.
thanks.

goofy guy...

Last night Mike and I gave my dad a massage. We took a couple picture and the first picture with Mike, Dad had a weird smile and I said "Dad, smile regular" and he did. Then I had MIke take a picture with me and I said something similar like "Don't smile goofy" and so then he proceeded to REALLy smile some goofy smiles and we got some good shots.

Today, he can't really complete his sentences because his mouth won't work for him and he is sometimes confused. It is hard to see. But with day after day of "I love you"s and "good nights", I'm okay with a time where he just thinks it and can't really say it.
Afterall, it's the thought that counts.

yep. lucky.

IN PARIS With Ben & Marilyn [click to enlarge]

I haven't written much recently because I feel like I'm in a fog. work, my parent's house, grieving, working, crying, eating, working. one big long blur.
If it wasn't for work I might not know what day it was.
Things are going ok.. as far as losing a parent goes I think. All my siblings are here most of the time so we support each other.
I started feeding my father a few days ago (no idea what day that was). Today when I was feeding him I commented on the crappy weather. He started to say something twice, but then didn't and he sighed. I said "was it about the weather?" and he said "I know exactly what I want to say, I just can't get it out". Then he said "I hate these kind of days". I told him I knew that (there is no sun out today and he loves the sun). Then he said "Are there golfcourse.." "Are there any golf course..." and he stopped, frustrated. His eyes welled up as did mine. I said "It's okay." and I hugged his cheek and cried with him. I said " I know its frustrating". When we were done I said "No, there aren't any golfers out today. They's be crazy it is like 35 out".
This is so different than 5 days ago when he seemed so detached and emotionless. I told my sister I dont know which is worse. But it is still a priviledge to serve him, to be here for lucid moments and to hug him, feed him, watch him.
I do realize how lucky I am to be able to have these days to see him and remember him and say goodbye.

What is a long goodbye?

My parents house has changed. there is a quiet warmth I feel there. We all wonder what will happen, but we aren't worried. We all try not to cry, but we easily do. I enjoy doing anything for him, yet feel relief when I leave the room so I can let it out. I feel blessed to be able to wash his face but the role-reversal is almost too much. He is so different - his appearance, his manner or speaking, relating, - it is all so gentle. But he is also the same - he doesn't have much strength and so he uses it to say something humorous most of the time. When his mouth doesn't work well for him, he often continues talking(intentionally) in absolute gibberish to get us to say 'What??'. He loves that one. My parents had a joke about this. I can't remember the line. Siblings.. what was it??? they said it to each other whenever they misheard each other.
This definitely takes the cake for the ODDEST time in my life. Kirk's parents wrote a wonderful email to me about what a blessing our family is and what a necessary time this is. They said saying goodbye is exactly the right thing because it means "God be with you". I know where my dad is going. They were so right. It was a great email.
I just can't decide what God wants, what my dad wants or even what we want.. a long goodbye or a shorter one?

lonely boards

Yesterday and today were a flurry of visitors, memories, tears and hugs. Many many family and friends came to the house to see my dad, cry with us, bring us food and share memories. We looked at pictures, told stories and even sang. We talked of Karen's wedding, christmas' past, and how much life my dad is and how his presence fills a room.

my hardest moment was yesterday when we set up the christmas village. my dad loves christmas and so we set up the tree and village early for him to see and also since we had help. We needed to know where the board that went on the sofa table was so we could do the village. He told us (and I thought, what are the million things that we don't know where they are, how they work or what they are for????). I went down in the basement to look for it. I knew it was on his workshop side.. a deafeningly silent side of the basement now. A sad sad room that lost its life about 6 weeks ago after my dad made the valences. I walked through it and looked at 10 or 20 boards resting against walls, against ceiling joists and against the back of the stairs. None were as my dad described, but were also a testament to the many projects he had planned in the future, had done for others in the past and all the things that would never be touched by him again. I stared at it all and just broke down. my mom came to find me and comforted me. I tried to explain my sorrow and she said "I know".
We gave up and had to choose another board which my uncle Rick cut to length. It almost hurt me that we not only didn't find THE board which most certainly was here but was lost among the other boards, but also that someone ELSE was using my dad's saw. it just felt wrong.
Then today, I fed him his dinner. He preferred me to feed him than to take the strength to feed himself. what a priveledge to do that for him,to help him, yet it was heartbreaking. He never complained.
On a happier note, we easily lean on each other and feel completely safe in that place. We are so lucky to have each other.

a 1000 words

Click on picture to see it larger.
From the left, going around my dad is Mike, Mary Anne (mom), Karen, Kevin, Cassie.

today...

Nothing like major loss to get one writing on a blog. My dad is still with us, but I fear it wont' be long. I'm not a nurse like my mom, but he changes every time I see him. He's getting jaundiced. The hospital bed arrived. People are coming to the house to.. well.. say goodbye.. be supportive.. bring a dish. It is all going by in a blur for me. My poor family. they don't know what to say to me. I try to tell them it is okay and to just be normal.

Today, all my siblings and my mom sat in the room with him. Karen had flown in, Mike had driven 7 hours and we surrounded my dad for a picture (we all looked pretty crappy I think) and then sat there. After a few moments we were still all composed and my dad said "It's like my memorial service while I'm still here". We talked a short time, then prayed for a long time, all of us crying. At the end, my brother put a kleenex to my nose. "here" he said. It was moving and heartbreaking and surreal.

My dad is even more not my dad. He doesn't talk like him. His speech is slow and dry and sometimes slurred. It seems like there is nothing behind his eyes. My mom asked him what he was thinking.. then added "anything other than, i'm tired?" and my dad said "nope". If you know him, you know that's not just unusual, that's not him.

My mother is ever-present. ever-strong. but she is feeling it all too.
Today I took a long time looking through albums to find more picture of him for the posters. Initially it was hard (though I've been gathering on & off for a year now), but it was interesting too. I barely noticed that my dad got older. I still saw the 35 year old when I looked at him I think.
I'm so thankful for my family and all the time we have had together. When I prayed today I thanked God for the many more months we were able to have than we expected to have (except when I said it it did make sense.)
and I am. I'm very grateful. I'll leave it at that for now.

{sniff}

I told my mom that I wanted something from my dad.. something he picked. She asked him and he can't think of anything. He said he has all boy stuff. My mom overheard him asking the massage therapist. I will probably just ask for something myself. I did tell her I wanted something of his that he wore... so it smells like him. I'm big on smells. They trigger memory for me more than anything else. When I sat next to him I tried to memorize the smell too. Now I will have it forever. No need to memorize.

He's getting worse. He fell twice since I saw him 3 days ago. Someone needs to be with him all the time now. ow. ow ow ow.. It just doesn't fit. My strong dad who took care of me.. needs taking care of. How can this be? It feels wrong. It feels like this should be years.. no DECADES away. I know this happens. I know this is what everyone sees happen to their parents. Maybe I'm lucky. At least I saw them grow to this age. I had years of memories of two parents, together in a loving relationship. That is pretty rare I suppose.

I hope I am okay with God's timing. It will be okay. It will.
but..
but.
[sigh]
I need my dad to tell me that.