Monday, May 25, 2009

Through the clouds..

I just finished my first year full time at the college. The fall was rough. I taught overload(with 1 new class), had to get used to all the full time aspects and Dad was dying. All of those things will not happen again. Spring was MUCH better. I taught a regular load and it wasn't a stressful time, at least not like before.

My mom and I have become closer. Around the end of February, my grieving intensified and it is better than that now. Marianne is back home from college for 3 weeks and then off to Colorado to work at the dude ranch Kirk's parents work at. Matthew has done a few gigs as a musician (a couple solo and one with his band, Myphoria). Andrew is learning 2 very hard songs this summer, flight of the bumblebee and Minute waltz. Kirk is still slowly working on his book and he asked me to illustrate it. I hope I can do it.

I've had two nights in a row with dreams about my dad. Normally I think dreams are just a bunch of crap, but these were interesting. Two nights ago was hard. Dad was in jail for using some illegal chemo or something and he had to die in jail. He got out for a family reunion and we were just starting to play a game, He was sitting there running his toes through the sand, barely listening to the directions and I remember thinking "Can't they just let him out? I'm sure he doesn't care at all about this game. He shouldn't have to die in there". Then the teams separated to explore their area. It was sort of a hide and seek/squirt gun tag type of game. I put down my gun in my area and went to look around at all the rooms that were "ours". Then someone started the game and I made my way back to my squirt gun and Dad was in the room so I slowly closed the door and grabbed my gun, I turned to him and realized he hadn't heard any of that and I squirted him. Being competitive, he made a HUGE sigh and probably an explitive. I had ended the game for him. He was out.
Last night.. actually I just woke up 15 min ago.. I dreamt I had two more children and I was a great mom. I always played with them and it was great. I was taking a walk with Karen and Mom and my kids. I looked in the distance and as tall as a mountain, I could see the tops of white gates. I knew what it was and I yelled to them and we all started running to it. We arrived and put in our names and then waited in a quick line again and walked right in. All of us. Inside it looked like an amusement park. I searched the huge area quickly trying to see Dad. I said to mom "Isn't he supposed to meet us?" (I have no idea why there wasn't God or Jesus in this part). We went up a little slope on and I saw him standing there. He was just patiently waiting for us in his shorts. We all ran up and hugged him and cried.
Now THAT is a dream. It was just great.


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