*sigh* This weekend was just what I needed. After the burden-feeling left when my dad was no longer fighting an illness, I was left with that loss feeling I talked about. I had so much grief and crying in front of my computer or to my family was necessary but I felt so lost.
After the services, I felt "more right with the world". Those necessary hours of visitation were exhausting, but it was so touching to see a line of people coming towards the casket to hug my mother and us (as we took turns standing by her).
Saturday was more dramatic for me. At the visitation, I could be support, but at the funeral, I needed it and so did all of us. I've always felt for those people in the front row, unable to imagine the pain. But as we all held hands and listened to songs he loved so much, people he loved so much and heard our sobs, I think I felt satisfied.
I know my dad is in heaven and we don't need to do things for his approval as we did when he was here, but I couldn't help but think that we did him proud (not that I did anything). I knew he would have been so touched by it and that was enough for me.
I feel there are a million things I want to ask him (did you see that video of the hoppers dad? for example), but there isn't one thing I still need to tell him. I told him. More than anything, I showed him. here is the video of hardware store I made.