Sunday, November 09, 2008

a great man

My parents are home from Bonaire now after a 2 week visit to say goodbye. My dad is dying now. I dont know how fast but I know he won't make it back to Bonaire and it was a sad time for them.

As I've come to this realization, I struggled with what to say to him and if I had things I needed to tell him. I knew I didn't need to hear anything from him as he is always very verbal with his feelings. About a year ago he talked with me about what he thought of me as a wife, mother, daughter and person. He was very expressive and complimentary, affirming every area of my life.

I decided to write him a letter, as I knew I could never speak any of the things I needed to make sure he knew. when I talk about my dad, it is the hardest. We are very much alike and I've always felt connected to him. So I wrote a letter about 8 days ago and yesterday, I gave it to him. I even got to give him a 2 line intro without breaking down. Then I handed it to him and sat near him with my head on his shoulder and cried as he read it. He hugged me and thanked me. I sat there memorizing the moment - trying to burn it into my brain for all time so i would not forget it. After I wrote the letter, I had imagined giving it to him, sitting there cuddled up to him and I cried every time I thought of it. Even now I do. I am okay. I'm sure he didn't need to hear any of the things I said, but I needed to tell him and it was good for me. We brought all the kids over today (marianne came home from college for the day) and i told them that I didn't know when the last time would be, but that it was good to treat every time like the last time.

He seemed perkier today. He stayed awake longer and laughed with more vigor. It is tough because I see him slipping.. becoming less my dad and more this quiet man who isn't recognizable really. He is so thin, so frail, so lacking in energy and life. If you knew my dad, you know that is one thing he is full of life.. the good, the bad.. all of it. he is jam-packed with it. He is a great man. that is all for now.

1 comment:

Karen Putz said...

Just wanted to send you a hug and some love.