lonely boards

Yesterday and today were a flurry of visitors, memories, tears and hugs. Many many family and friends came to the house to see my dad, cry with us, bring us food and share memories. We looked at pictures, told stories and even sang. We talked of Karen's wedding, christmas' past, and how much life my dad is and how his presence fills a room.

my hardest moment was yesterday when we set up the christmas village. my dad loves christmas and so we set up the tree and village early for him to see and also since we had help. We needed to know where the board that went on the sofa table was so we could do the village. He told us (and I thought, what are the million things that we don't know where they are, how they work or what they are for????). I went down in the basement to look for it. I knew it was on his workshop side.. a deafeningly silent side of the basement now. A sad sad room that lost its life about 6 weeks ago after my dad made the valences. I walked through it and looked at 10 or 20 boards resting against walls, against ceiling joists and against the back of the stairs. None were as my dad described, but were also a testament to the many projects he had planned in the future, had done for others in the past and all the things that would never be touched by him again. I stared at it all and just broke down. my mom came to find me and comforted me. I tried to explain my sorrow and she said "I know".
We gave up and had to choose another board which my uncle Rick cut to length. It almost hurt me that we not only didn't find THE board which most certainly was here but was lost among the other boards, but also that someone ELSE was using my dad's saw. it just felt wrong.
Then today, I fed him his dinner. He preferred me to feed him than to take the strength to feed himself. what a priveledge to do that for him,to help him, yet it was heartbreaking. He never complained.
On a happier note, we easily lean on each other and feel completely safe in that place. We are so lucky to have each other.